livebythecreed | Shared memory/dream glitch - So Wake Me Up When Its All Over

Shared memory/dream glitch - So Wake Me Up When Its All Over - REDUX

Four of the Assassins will find themselves restless in their sleep, plagued by memories of their compatriots in a string of nightmarish dreams. All of which will take place in chronological order from Altair and Malik's time to Edwards folly and lastly to Jacob and his tumultuous relationship with Roth. All of their mistakes brought to light and what became of them. All of them sharing in each other's pain, torment and regret.

Altair and Malik
Maliks fight @ Solomons Temple and the loss of Kadar
Altair and Al Mualim
Edward and Mary/James
Edward and Ah Tabai
Edward and his family
Jacob and Roth

Avicii - Wake Me Up

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Some time just before dawn, just before the first dim rays of brilliant sun begin to shine down upon them, sleep loosens it's once firm and peaceful grasp. Waking was almost as painful as sleeping, knowing that those images would continue to haunt him long after his eyes had opened, would carry on into each facet of the day to come. Willing his eyes to open was difficult, waiting for the realization that he was alone and that he was the sole cause of this suffering. But instead he was greeted by the comforting warmth of his love, pressed against his cheek and arm, hand still tangled in his hair, resting there as if to keep it in place.

Then something wet fell onto his skin and for a moment he thought perhaps it might be the coming of rain, but it lacked the icy chill and was followed too slowly by the next. Shifting, pushing his body upwards, taking in the sight of Malik reclined back against the harsh stone wall, sleep finally overtaking even his stubborn will. Tears leaked from his tightly closed lids and fell silently down his cheeks, sliding from his chin and down onto his lap where Altair had once laid.

Seeing them was more painful than any wound he had ever received, like a knife directly to his heart, twisted and left to rot.

Part of him wants to speak, to wake Malik from whatever images the nightmare is conjuring, but who's to say when he'll next see proper rest? Instead he continues on, pressing himself upwards and moving until he's taken up the place to the other, shifting until he's found a comfortable position and then reaching out, wrapping both arms around Malik and gently drawing him inwards, bringing his head down to rest upon his chest, directly above where his heart beats. Slender fingers stroke through thick strands, slipping over wet skin and attempting to dry it, whispering soft words of affection and peace in their native tongue.

Perhaps sleep is one of the only times that Malik could ever allow himself to shed tears anymore, their work, his duty to the brotherhood, it didn't afford him much time to mourn or deal with any feelings he might have locked up inside. So when he sleeps the walls come down and his heart grieves while his body and mind rests. He shifts easily when Altair pulls him in, unaware of being moved at all. Though the sound of his heart and the gentle words soothed into his ear are quietly echoed in his dream and memory like a voice from above and beyond. He is relaxed and warm, surrounded by comfort and peace. Kadar's ghost remains with him, but he's no longer awash with pain and guilt. His tears dry up and he slumbers against Altair's chest, lulled into a deep and honest sleep to the beat of his lovers heart.

Malik will get in a few good hours this way, so long as Altair remains holding him in his arms. Then, slowly but surely he'll stir, giving a soft noise in his throat to signal his waking. He blinks open dark eyes to realize they are no longer positioned how he'd fallen asleep, to listen to the rhythmic thumping of Altair's heart against his cheek. He shifts, lifting his head then to look up at the other, still a little groggily confused by the world. His vulnerable position dawns on him and he flusters, sitting up but not really pushing out of the embrace. He's moving just enough to straighten out his back and clear his throat to pretend like he hadn't just dozed off and softly cried in his sleep. Nope. He's still a hardass.

"...how long have you been awake?"

Early morning had transformed into day, the sun rising high into the sky to send heat spiraling down to the earth. Sitting still and simply basking in the warmth wasn't exactly something Altair was particularly fond of, especially considering there wasn't anything of particular interest to catch his attention. But letting go of Malik and moving from his current position to allow the other to sleep alone barely crossed his mind, choosing only to shift now and again to keep himself comfortable and to keep that pins and needles sensation from settling into his limbs. There was his phone to at least give him something to idly look at, to keep his mind busy and from wondering to more unpleasant things.

It's only once he feels Malik begin to stir that he places it down onto the pillows beside him, stretching a little bit as the other pulls away, before settling into a looser, more comfortable sort of embrace, keeping his love close. Even as he speaks as if nothing had taken place as if it had been a normal night spent together.

"It does not matter." A few hours, but it truly didn't matter. Malik hadn't slept in literal days, and the only way he was ever going to was by being near Altair. It was the very least he could do for the man who held his heart and soul cradled within his chest.

"Malik." Spoken softly, one hand lifting to gently cup the side of the other's face, basking in the warmth that seemed to radiate from every part of him. "I miss him too."

Malik can't resist tipping his cheek into Altair's touch, but the sound of his name has his undivided attention, searching the depths of those pained eyes. His brows knit at the mention of missing "Him" and he knows which him his lover is referring to. Kadar had been obsessed with Altair, completely starstruck, Altair was someone he looked up to more than anyone else, more than their father, more than even himself. He blames himself every day for bringing his brother along to such a dangerous mission, to allow his life to be taken from them because he was not fast or strong enough to protect him. There are many days he thinks, it should have been him instead of Kadar. And sometimes he wonders if Kadar was still alive, if Altair would've ended up with his brother instead.

"...I...suppose he was just as much a brother to you as he was to me, we all grew up together, after all." And he can't deny what he feels, they both had been through that memory along with their comrades.

"It is our fault he is not here. I live with that every day."

And every day since that moment, Altair had thought that it should have been him. It should have been him who had lost his life due to his own foolishness. Should have been him who lost his arm due to his own poor choices. Should have been his life that was turned upside down and torn apart and left in tatters. Yet he had been spared, had been thrown from the room relatively unharmed.

He would live with that guilt boiling inside of his heart for the rest of his life.

Kadar had been young and eager, talented and intelligent like his brother, a perfect younger imitation of Malik. But he was not Malik, and despite the way he looked up to Altair, the way he seemed to worship the ground he walked on and watched each and every action so carefully, there was never that spark between them. There was no sense of competition, no drive that forced them both to try and become better. There was no need, no knowing that there could never be one without the other.

"I do not have the right to call him brother." Sometimes he would still look beside him, expecting to see the both of them standing there. But there was no one, only himself. "The fault is mine. You tried to stop me and I did not listen. I thought... I don't know what I thought." Any reason he had ever tried to use to justify it now just seemed empty and hollow.

"Stop." His voice breaks despite himself as Altair's words drag up those painful memories all over again. He can feel the anger twisting around in his chest, clenching his fist where it's resting at Altair's hip. He doesn't want to feel those things anymore. He'd forgiven this Altair, the grown up, more experienced, more humble man that he'd fallen in love with. But in truth he never completely forgave the young, headstrong, foolish Altair. His lover wasn't that man anymore. He'd learned his lesson, he'd improved, he'd surpassed everything that he used to be. He was a Grand Master now and he'd earned it all on his own, he'd redeemed himself through a lot of hard won battles and work. And yet, there was still a dark part of his soul that could still be angry about his past actions and all the loss he'd suffered from such a selfish and blind choice. A choice he'd forced upon them.

Though Malik knows he's just as much to blame. He could have just left Altair to his fate, he and Kadar did not have to follow him into his mistake. But his conscience, his honor, his love of Altair would not allow him to turn his back on him and let him die for his stupidity. He cared too deeply for him, they were brothers in arms, they were best friends, and no matter how many times he'd upset him or angered him or disappointed him, he was always there for him, no matter what. They'd been together through thick and thin and he'd tried his damnedest not only to best him, but to show him he could be better too. That he could be the golden boy their fathers, their mentor, their leader, their comrades had saw him to be. Because Malik had seen who Altair was beyond his arrogance, the inflated ego that such praise from their masters and brothers had given him. He knew the man Altair truly was, who he could have been.

Who he was now. It had almost been too late, he had sworn to himself that he would never forgive him for what he'd done and all that he'd lost. His arm, his father and his brother, all in one day. But he'd simmered in his hate and realized it wasn't worth losing the one man who knew him best, who'd been through everything with him. Who was worth more to him than the world and his loneliness.

"Please, do not speak of it anymore, Altair." He doesn't want to drag up all those ugly feelings again. He'd put them to rest.

"You weren't thinking, but you aren't that man anymore, you and I are both as much to blame for what happened, I already told you as much. Please... just let it rest." They both need to somehow forgive each other and themselves still. They need to stop carrying around such pain. And the whispers of his brothers Ghost want them to forgive themselves and let it go. He knows Kadar would not want them to suffer for so long for him.

Altair is aware that there is a careful line he should walk when it comes to Kadar. Knows that it will always, always pain Malik far more than it does him, that Malik has lost far more than he will likely ever have to endure. He just as acutely aware that most of that loss and most of that suffering was a direct cause of his own stupid, selfish decisions more than any of Malik's misplaced love or affection for him.

Altair had hurt Malik more than enough for a lifetime, he should let this go, should let it drop and let them both move on.

But he doesn't want to let Kadar go, doesn't want to go the rest of his life without ever speaking the other man's name, suffering the pain of the loss in silence. Doesn't want his memory to fade and be forgotten, and there was no one else but Malik who carried his memories.

Bright eyes fell closed as he eased himself inward, forehead coming to rest against his loves gently, taking in a series of deep, slow breaths, relishing in the closeness and comfort.

"I want to speak of him." Voice soft, barely above a whisper, as if he's utterly afraid that his words won't be accepted or that they'll only draw forth more anger. "He used to tease me, used to tell me my crush on you was showing." He often wondered what Kadar would think of them now, of how proud he would be of his brother for becoming Dai. If he would be happy and accepting of what they had found in one another. "At night I dream of him. Dream of us. We are in my room in the castle, and him and I are playing chess. I remember I always allowed him to best me. And you are in the corner laid out upon my pillows. They still smell like you, even now."

Oddly enough it's the change of subject to Kadar, rather than speaking of the incident that took him from them, that helps to cool those ugly feelings in his belly. It still hurts to talk about him, but remembering the fonder times did help to soothe the ache. They should keep the good times in their memory more than his loss. He's somewhat surprised to hear that Kadar seemed to know that Altair had a crush on him, maybe at the time it was only to tease, but then... Kadar had watched Altair closely, the pair of them talked more about things Malik never had interest in. Maybe they had shared this one truth at some point.

"...I suppose, being there with the pair of you near me, it was the only time I could honestly rest. When I knew that the two people I loved most were safe and not far from me."

And though he doesn't think Jacob would ever have the patience for Chess, he sees more and more how one could almost compare Altair's relationship with Jacob, to how he was when he'd been running around with Kadar.

"It's only fair, you two wore me out on a daily basis of course. Chasing you around all over Masyaf."

Edited 2018-03-25 11:31 (UTC)

Once upon a time, Altair may have gone to Kadar for advice. After all, the younger assassin was someone who he knew he could trust, even with deep, dark secrets such as these. Someone who would not judge his desires too harshly. Kadar just hadn't been the type. He had been too gentle and kind-hearted.

From a young age, he and Malik had always been friends, but when that kinship turned to rivalry, he had at first been unsure if he had done something to make Malik dislike him. And so he had turned to Kadar to try and figure out how to deal with it.

Just like he had turned to Kadar once he grew a little older and realized that what his feelings for Malik truly were. That the reason why he always saw the other's face with every person, he tried to be intimate with. Kadar had laughed and called them both stupid and had tried his best to give advice. None of which actually worked.

If Kadar were here now, he would probably tell them they were still both stupid.

"Kadar would always say that you needed your rest. That we wore you out trying to look after us and keep us out of trouble." It would probably be worse now, with Jacob in the mix. The three of them would likely be akin to peas in a pod.

"I still have the set that he gave me. I have thought about bringing it here so that we both might enjoy it."

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Shared memory/dream glitch - So Wake Me Up When Its All Over - REDUX

Altair and Malik

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